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It's late, I know.
Jan. 12th, 2004 12:38 amI just got off the phone with my grandma. We talked for 2 and a half hours tonight. I really enjoy talking to her. She actually listens to what I want to say, and doesn't rush me like my Mom does. I mean, Mom loves me and all, but she's kind of absorbed in her own life. Grandma and I talk about what's going on, and the latest family gossip, and she updates me on what my Mom, dad, and siblings are doing that no one tells me about.
I really miss NY and my family and friends. Particularly my sister, though. She is 9 years younger then me, but we have still developed a very strong bond. The thing is, she often seems depressed and unhappy, and I know for a fact she doesn't get along with Mom, mainly because she's 14 and it's normal right now; but I really wish I could be there for her. A phone call just doesn't cut it sometimes. She cries everytime I go to NY to visit because she wants to come back to visit, but I just can't take her here because of school. And then I feel guilty, like her probs at home are because I left her, and am not there for her.
I do miss Mom, and brothers, too although Dad I could probably live without seeing for an extended period of time.
Grandma was talking about Grandpa tonight. It's been over 3 years since he passed away. She still cries. Not surprising when you spend most of your life with someone. The thing is, I have my own personal issues about Grandpa's death. I still feel guilty that I only visited him in the hospital twice and one of the times was while he was in a coma the night before he died. I hate hospitals. I can't stand seeing people sick in bed and I avoid going as best I can, but now I feel guilty. After he was burried, it took me nearly a year before going to the cemetary. Finally, Glenn brought me, because I was having nightmares about Grandpa. My subconcious was really laying it on thick for a while. I was waking up sweating, and in fear ...
Now, though, my guilt is all about while he was alive. I have a fear of old people. While Grandpa wasn't that old, he was very sick toward the end. And he made me uncoomfortable. He loved me, I know... I was always one of his favorites, and all he wanted was to be loved back, but I avoided him, even ignored him when he called sometimes, pretending I didn't here. He would want to talk, and I would rush away. He was lost mentally at that point, but I allowed myself to forget the great man that he was.
My Grandfather practically raised me with my grandma while my parent's were still busy growing up. I never wanted for anything. Not just toys, but everything. Clothes, food, LOVE. I remember him going on a school trip with me to the UN. He loved it. He was like a kid himself, for my sake I'm sure, as I was only about 8 years old. Grandpa was in the Air Force, and he fought in Korea. He used to tell me so many stories. Some of while, I found out after he died, I was the only one he ever told. I'm starting to cry again, so I am going to finish this off. Grandpa was an amazing man. I wish I had treated him differently, but I did learn one thing. I will never take anyone else for granted again. While is why I talked to my grandmother for 2 and a half hours tonight. Because one day, when she's not here, I want to have as many good memories as I can.
I really miss NY and my family and friends. Particularly my sister, though. She is 9 years younger then me, but we have still developed a very strong bond. The thing is, she often seems depressed and unhappy, and I know for a fact she doesn't get along with Mom, mainly because she's 14 and it's normal right now; but I really wish I could be there for her. A phone call just doesn't cut it sometimes. She cries everytime I go to NY to visit because she wants to come back to visit, but I just can't take her here because of school. And then I feel guilty, like her probs at home are because I left her, and am not there for her.
I do miss Mom, and brothers, too although Dad I could probably live without seeing for an extended period of time.
Grandma was talking about Grandpa tonight. It's been over 3 years since he passed away. She still cries. Not surprising when you spend most of your life with someone. The thing is, I have my own personal issues about Grandpa's death. I still feel guilty that I only visited him in the hospital twice and one of the times was while he was in a coma the night before he died. I hate hospitals. I can't stand seeing people sick in bed and I avoid going as best I can, but now I feel guilty. After he was burried, it took me nearly a year before going to the cemetary. Finally, Glenn brought me, because I was having nightmares about Grandpa. My subconcious was really laying it on thick for a while. I was waking up sweating, and in fear ...
Now, though, my guilt is all about while he was alive. I have a fear of old people. While Grandpa wasn't that old, he was very sick toward the end. And he made me uncoomfortable. He loved me, I know... I was always one of his favorites, and all he wanted was to be loved back, but I avoided him, even ignored him when he called sometimes, pretending I didn't here. He would want to talk, and I would rush away. He was lost mentally at that point, but I allowed myself to forget the great man that he was.
My Grandfather practically raised me with my grandma while my parent's were still busy growing up. I never wanted for anything. Not just toys, but everything. Clothes, food, LOVE. I remember him going on a school trip with me to the UN. He loved it. He was like a kid himself, for my sake I'm sure, as I was only about 8 years old. Grandpa was in the Air Force, and he fought in Korea. He used to tell me so many stories. Some of while, I found out after he died, I was the only one he ever told. I'm starting to cry again, so I am going to finish this off. Grandpa was an amazing man. I wish I had treated him differently, but I did learn one thing. I will never take anyone else for granted again. While is why I talked to my grandmother for 2 and a half hours tonight. Because one day, when she's not here, I want to have as many good memories as I can.
